Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Sand Witch Review - Top 9 greatest horror movie villains.


Welcome to the Sand Witch Review. I'm Mattysandwich and here is my review. Alright so as most people in my close life know, I love horror movies. I enjoy the feeling of being scared and having to look behind me even in the comfort of my own house. However as I watched the movie 'The collector' to which my friend was supposed to write a review about, I asked myself, what makes a movie scary? Is it it's blood and gore or is it the way people die. When it comes down to it, there's only one answer I received that makes sense. It's the villain. While you could have all the thing that make you scared, in the end it's the villain who's going to tie it all together and make it a pleasure cruise to hell. That's the reason why in this review, I am tackling the top nine greatest horror movie villains. Why top nine? Because I make it my job in life to bother people with OCD. So, without further delay, let's get on to the top nine greatest horror movie villains.

Number nine: Chucky from Child's play.



Fitting the number nine spot of this count down is Chucky from Child's Play. In the movie he is a doll that is possessed by the spirit of a sociopath and goes on kill rants to try and find a human body for him to switch his soul with. The reason why I put this guy lower to the list is because of one key element, HE'S A DOLL! Just kick him and he'll go flying. I mean, how is a good year toy anywhere close to intimidating? If you ask me it's a surprise the movie franchise lasted as long as it did. However I will give the idea of Child's play is indeed scary. I mean, imagine if one of your dolls or action figures was possessed by a homicidal maniac and tried to kill you. Wouldn't that alone cause years of physiological damage to see your favorite toy curse you out? Well as I said, he's not as intimidating as the rest of my contestants, however to ignore him would be disrespecting the legacy of Charles Lee Ray.

Number eight: Death from Final Destination.


Although I think that 'Death' isn't exactly a villain, he certainly was the antagonist of this franchise. In these movies the main character's nearly escape death and then are pursued by the most ridiculous forms of 'accidents' that the big guy upstairs could think up. While again the movies themselves weren't too frightening, the idea was still very scary. I mean, imagine if you got trapped in a situation where just as you think you were given a second chance, God pimp smacks that idea right out of your hand by killing you off in a very brutal way? Plus, unlike Child's play they never give a face to the figure known as Death which makes it even more scary. It's not like it's some monster who's out to kill people, it's simply a force that, like gravity, always works out in the end.

Number Seven: Jason from Friday the 13th


Alright now this is what originally crossed my mind when I began this list. Oh Jason, what a glorious villain. Between his creepy ass hockey mask and his machete at hand, this man was one of the original horror movie monsters. And boy did I love every minute of it growing up. I mean, this man was evil. He never ran yet he always managed to kill his prey. Though he has a fear of water, he makes up for that weakness with the ability to never die. I think he's died in every movie that he's been in and in every time he comes back. Though this is a common stereotype for horror movie villains, frankly there's there are few that can pull it off better then Jason.

Number Six: Micheal Myers from Halloween.


No not that Micheal Myers!


There we go, that Micheal Myers. Alright now this guy is a personal favorite of mine. Like Jason Micheal Myers never ran to his victims and always managed to kill whoever he was after. However unlike Jason Micheal Myers never died. Instead he is always seen coming back for more despite the fact he's shot, on fire, or decapitated. Also unlike Jason Micheal Myers has probably the scariest theme song on the face of the planet. This song is so scary that while trying to find a youtube video to put in this review I had to change my pants after listening to the first five seconds. Damn that coffee spill. But, joking aside this was one serious villain. Though ultimately not the scariest due to his slow speed and none creative tendencies of mass murdering, ultimately when you see this man stare at you from your second story window, you know you're dead.

Number five: Scream from, well, Scream.


Ah Scream, this brings back memories. All the time I've wet myself while you creep up on your victims. All the popcorn lost to the floor as I watch you cut a girl's throat. And let's not forget all the hand's I've broken because I squeezed too hard while the killer is revealed. I'm still in law suites because of those complaining pansies. Anyway this is a horror movie villain, in every sense of the word. The concept of killing people in the style of a horror movie is masterful. It was dark, addicting, and down right terrifying. The worst part is that this movie doesn't seem too impossible unlike my other picks for my count down. It's done with the theme of a realistic horror movie and in that sense it succeeds. Again though the reason why it doesn't win is because while the concept is scary, I don't think it can beat the rest of the people I have on this list.

Number four: Semara Morgan from the ring.


Holy Crap it's her. Alright while many people are disappointed by my choice of placing her as number three, here's my reason SHE SCARES THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME! Just look at her face. Also there's something about a video tape that kills you that scares me as well. It's not like the other people in which they're after you, this one waits for its victims to come to her. Also unlike the other killers, this one makes you wait seven days before she ends your life. Imagine knowing you were going to die in seven days. What would you do? Would you try and do anything and everything? Also the final thing that makes her fearful is the the fact you don't see her at all till the end of the movie. You see what her victims look like, and you see what she looked like as a child, but you never see that ghostly face till the end when the male lead is killed off by her. Such suspense and fright lets her very proudly keep the title, of number four.

Number three: Jigsaw from Saw.


Now I think this is a horror movie villain that the younger readers would know of. While not exactly a serial killer, Jigsaw did place his victims in life or death situations where either one was going to cause blood to spill. It's that concept alone that makes him have a high rank in my book. But also what else he does which is different form the others is that he only does it to people he sees as unworthy. He puts people to the test to see if they deserve the life they were given. Somehow that twisted way of thinking makes sense. Also, like Micheal Myers, Jigsaw also has his own theme. While admittedly not as scary as the Halloween one, it's much more of a thinking sound that plays when everything you just watch begins to make sense right in front of your eyes. It's one of the situations where knowing the truth doesn't make it any easier to comprehend. Or in this case, any less scary.

Number two: Freddy Kruger from Nightmare on Elms Street.


Freddy Kruger, do I really need to say anything else? Not only does he only appear in your dreams but he also kills you in the most sadistic manner that he can come up with. Not only that, but his appearance is dreadful. This guy literally does look like a nightmare. I think though the scariest part about this monster is the fact that he can never be fully killed. As long as kids dream there is no way for him to be eliminated. And since he only appears in the dream world, he can kill you at any time. There's no way to stop this evil, and that's just the way that it should be. Also unlike the other villains reviewed who are being brought back to make a quick buck with a cheap knock off of their original idea, Freddy's not coming back. They don't have any remakes of this movie and frankly that's how it should stay. This man had one great run that placed him above the rest, if there is a God let it stay that way. However even the masterful monster that is Freddy, can only lift a bladed finger to my last contender of this list.

And the number one spot goes to...

Alien from Alien.


Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, this isn't a villain? How does it beat the other people on the list? Well, let's look at an alien and find out. Let's start off with the fact that they start off as eggs that then latch on to a person's face. After they think that they just passed out and that they killed off the alien in the moment, a tiny alien burst out of your chest, which not only kills you in an overly painful sequence, but then proceeds to kill off all of your friends and family by piercing their skulls with it's tongue. Need a minute to change your pants? That's okay I can wait. Still not only is the fashion it kills brutal but there's also something about the name that should be taken into consideration. It isn't some complicated name like "The alien who burst out of your stomach," or "The alien that rips apart everyone you know and love," it's simply titled 'Alien.' Those around of the time know that there was nothing that told you what the aliens did or what they wanted, all that was said was "In space, no one can hear you scream." It didn't give any hints which made the monster be anything from a giant mutant overlord to a marshmallow sling shot. It's with the delivery of blood and fear that makes this movie villain the cream of the crop.

So those were the top nine movie baddies that I have to mention in this review. If you feel like I left something out or think that something needs to change please leave a comment. Remember though that this is strictly opinionated and it's just my opinion. Since it would be impossible to give reviews to all of these movies with the details I have given just assumed that I gave them something out of five to make yourselves amused. This has been a Sand Witch Review and until next time, your time, is out.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sand Witch Review - Final Fantasy Tactics A2.



Welcome to the Sand Witch Review. I'm Mattysandwich and here is my review. People, I'm going to be blunt, I love my mother. She is a wonderful and kind person to no known ends. So since this review is probably going to be seen by her nurturing eyes I'm not going to be as profane as I would be in my earlier reviews. Now while some of you may be worried that my humor might go down if a curse isn't in every other sentence, I promise you I can still inflict massive damage onto a title I do not agree with and let me show you this clean side of me with my review of, Final Fantasy Tactics A2.

Now for all those who didn't know, I was a huge fan of the original Final Fantasy Tactics Advance for the game boy advance. Although the title sounded a little silly, there were no other games like it for satisfaction. It had great gameplay, intense storyline, and probably endless options in terms of party members. This game was so big that both my older brothers have once played this game with me. To which I kicked both of their rectums. So as you can imagine when I found out that a sequel was going to be made, you bet I jumped up and down with joy. However what began with hope and joy, soon became despair and tears.

Let me first address the title of the game, Final Fantasy Tactics A2, Grimorie of the Rift. First of all, why call it A2? Were you too lazy just to add in Advance? I mean, sure Tactics Advance 2 would look stupid, but I think Tactic A2 looks even dumber. Not only does it look like something a four year old would write because they're just learning the alphabet but also it's just lazy. Also let me talk about Grimoire of the Rift. As those that played the first game would know the characters were dragged into the world of Ivalice by the power of a Grimoire. Since the word is in the title, I suppose that means the main character is going through a book again. Now isn't that even more lazy? I mean, that and the A2 it's like they just had a Chimpanzee with turrets write the name and story line. Oh well, might as well address more of the game.

Now here's where I get really annoyed, story line and character layout. For those of you who have not played Final Fantasy Tactics Advances, get off you lazy as... rear, and buy the game already. This game's story line is divine. It's probably one of the most complex hand held story line of the time. It had government cruelty, conflict of tradition and society, and simply the story of a kid that tried to make his own world so that he could feel important. Also the main character is probably still one of my favorite square Enix characters to this day. He wasn't a blood thirsty killer, he was just a boy trapped in an alternate world trying to make his way home. He was kind, polite, and generally well liked even within the game, much different from the brooding, depressing main characters you find in the other parts of the franchise.

However someone with the IQ of a paper bag decided that the character of the sequel needed to be much more killing oriented then the first one since you know, being kind doesn't set a good role model what so ever. No what really makes a role model is a personality inspired by a card board box and an attitude of shoot first, ask questions latter. That's what my kids to grow up with and I know my mother would feel the same way. That same moron then decided to take away all the gripping story line of the first one and replace it with a jealous... (Insert profane word here) who wants the power of the Grimoire. Yeah as you can imagine I was not a happy camper. In fact I was quite the opposite, I was blood boiling angry. How can they sleep at night when they know that every Final Fantasy Tactic Advance fan who bought this game can never look at the original the same way again. How can they deal with that guilt? I have only one answer, with all the money the made out of this cheap insult to our intelligence as gamers.

I will give it one thing however, at least they still had the same battle system as in the last game. In fact, they even added two new races to the mix and a whole bunch of new jobs. This made me think that the rest of the game could be bearable. However like the rest of the game, that brain dead monkey decided that you have to do certain missions which are not always available to receive the best jobs. Really? You really needed to put a cap on how long it takes to get the best jobs, let alone there best attacks? YOU REALLY NEEDED TO DESTROY EVERY GOOD AND DECENT THING THAT FINAL FANTASY TACTICS ADVANCE STANDS FOR? You son of a bitc... nice, normal, person that I'm sure didn't do anything wrong...*twitch* I love you mom.

*twitch*

Overall this game fails in comparison to the original. It's lame, unimaginative, and a complete let down. This game is one of those that is so bad that I really believe that I should find a number less then one but not zero. I can't use zero since that number hold infinite possibilities. I also can't call it a negative number because I feel that would give this game more credit then it's worth. This game gets a one out of five without any questions. Now while some of you overly zealous hard core gamers might like it solely because the words 'Final Fantasy' appear on the cover, remember that I'm a critic so anything that insults my gaming pride will face my wrath. This has been a Sand Witch Review and until next time, your time is out.