Sand Witch Review - Pokemon (The first season.)

Welcome to the Sand Witch Review. I'm Mattysandwich and here is my review. Pokemon, do I even really have to say more? Ten years ago this was a phenomenon that swept the entire nation. Kids every where were addicted to this animated madness. And while the shows and games may be a pile of horse vomit mixed together with guerrilla diarrhea by now, one cannot forget the good memories this show has produced.

For all of those adults or non conforming kids who do not know about pokemon, here's a little recap. Pokemon was a show which was based on trading cards, which were in turn based on a game. The idea was simple. Capture a bunch of demonic little rodents with sphere shaped prisons known as a 'pokeball', kill the bad guy's rodents, and become the new champion of pokemon. Such a simple and sastifying game play led to one of the most addicting games of all time. There were literally countless amounts of pokemon that you could capture, each one having it's own strength and weakness. God this brings back so many good memories. You see, I was a huge fan of the original red and blue versions. To this day I am still a fan. However the difference is that while ten years ago you were considered a god if you knew all the pokemon, now you're just a virgin nerd.

I can't say that I was really a big fan of the card game however, evenas a child. The reason for this was that on the card each pokemon could only have like two attacks. That felt too limited to me which caused me not to participate in the games. However I know that the card games were very famous. I believe that even to this day there are still people that enjoy this game. If you ask me they should just be playing Magic the Gathering since that's where the real picture card gamers are at!

Now let's talk about that anime, that little piece of crap anime. As earlier mentioned, in the beginning I was a huge fan of the show as well. However as I had to watch some episodes to recap my memories of this show, I realized just how miserably bad this show really was. I mean, did they even try? Some of these episodes just seem like they said "you know what? Fuck making sense! We have a show about a protagionist with a sand paper personality with a electric rat that refuses to evolve. If they're still willing to watch it despite that bullshit, then obviously we don't have to try." Alright now that I got that out of the way, let's begin with my review.

The first thing that I'm going to pick on is how long this show has lasted. This show has lasted more then NINE SEASON! Nine, you know, that number before ten and after eight. How do you do it? How can you still get more and more veiwers when the show constantly repeats the same process in each and every season? Where are the angels of mercy to chancel this abomination? To make it worst, each season gets progressively worst. I mean, sure there's bad, but these show managed to cross that border and make something even badder then bad. It's something so bad, that bad needs it's an evolution in order to keep up with the times. Dear God did I just make a pokemon reference? I need to end this quick.

The next thing that I'm going to pick at is voice actors. Now in the pokemon games, there was no voice acting. The pokemon had computer generated cries and there was background music. But no voice actors. Why? Because that was one of those days that the big guy upstairs was hard at work to make sure that such sin does not taint the franchise. However, where is an anime without voice actors right? Well, after listening to a few episodes I think that they should have kept it in silence. The voice actors for pokemon were horrible. I mean, they made me want to cut off my ears, boil them in hot water, eat them, and then vomit all over the hottest guy I could find. To top it all off the pokemon also get voice overs. However again there was some kind of miracle because all they could do was say their names. Again though, this gets very annoying...

Another thing I wish to address is the plot. It was pretty much just like the game, beat the gym leaders and defeat the elite four. I think I've pissed puddles deeper than this. I mean, couldn't you add a sub plot? Anything really I'm not a very demanding person. All I ask is a slightly different plot then the one already provided by the game so that I don't feel like I'm wasting my time watching the show about a trainer who I could run circles around with my level one hundred Alakazam. Also everyone in this show is very happy. Sure being an optimist is a good characteristic, but these guys were almost too chipper. It felt like a twilight zone episode where everyone in the world was possessed by aliens so that they were forced to only be able to smile and be inspiring. The only people who were ever seen with something else then a shit eating grin were the bad guys and even they got there turn to show there perfect teeth.

I will give it one thing, there were moments when I could take this show seriously. Despite the constant go lucky attitude of the show there were actually a few moments when things weren't so perfect. Like there was one episode where Ash got seperated from his two human friends and was trapped in a frozen cave. Although he was using Charmander's fiery tail to keep himself and his pokemon warm, the fire was dying out so Ash returned all of his pokemon to their pokeballs. However Pikachu doesn't want to go into his pokeball because he's afraid that his partner will die of the cold. In their fighting the rest of ash's pokemon come out as well and bunch themselves together with Ash so that he will continue to stay warm. I won't forget any time soon when Ash had a tear in his eye as he said "so then we're all going to die together." What really killed me though was that he then repated 'die together'. While I know that I'm an emotional bitch when it comes to such situations, that was somewhat of a good scene. It wasn't happy, it wasn't go lucky and it made people generally care. Now naturally the show destroyed that moment the second it got to, but for those few seconds, there was an actual heartfelt moment.

Overall I'm giving pokemon in general a four out of five. The games are definitely all fives, however since this review is combining the card game and the anime with them, I have to bring it down from perfection. Honestly, I believe that the anime is the source of all of Pokemon's problems. It's because of them that people critic the genre and bash the games. In reality though, the games aren't bad. Mostly because they don't try to match up with the anime and they just try to keep the same pattern that gamers want from them. Personally though I do think that pokemon has had its run. If they make a new generation, I just might give up. I'm Mattysandwich, and until next time, your time is up.

Sand Witch Review - Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Welcome to the Sand Witch Review. I'm Mattysandwich and here is my review. Alright so as you know by now my mind tends to be drifting in the sea of fantasy. In this vast world of magic and mystery there are Japanese role playing games, fantasy books, and finally, movies based on fantasy books. One of the most successful movie series based on one of the most successful book series is Harry Potter, to which I have the pleasure of reviewing the Half Blood Prince movie.

Now since it would be unfair to review the sixth movie of a franchise without reviewing the first five, allow me to give a fast recap of my personal opinions of the movies. The first one was breath taking, I mean it was magical. Of course, since I saw the first one as a child I guess my opinion is a tad biased due to my innocent state at the time. The next movie was okay. Again this is when I began to gain more of an opinion so I didn't just like everything I saw. The third one I didn't like solely because I actually read that book and I felt it did a bad job explaining things. Then we got to the fourth one. Holy shit was the fourth one amazing. It had great action, great special effects, and the beginning of Voldemort. That was what really set the bar for me on what a good Harry Potter movie should be. And then we got to five where I felt it was too much build up for a lame battle scene. Alright since I got all my other reviews out of the way, let me talk to you about the one I actually wanted to mention.

So let me start off by saying that for some reason the music felt off about this movie. I don't why this was, but there was definitely something off about it. I mean, it didn't even start off with the actual Harry Potter theme, you hear it like seven minutes in. That bothered me a lot. When you make a successful franchise, you have to keep some patterns the same. When you choose to break the patterns when the series is coming to an end, why? Oh well I think I'm getting overly worked up about one minor detail so let me work on another one.

Alright so let me start off by saying I loved the characters of Harry Potter. I mean when I say love, I mean I would give off half of my immortal soul so that these characters could come to life. I would give more but I need the other half to wish for the same thing with Kingdom Hearts. Anyways let me start off with the characters I liked the most, Bellatrix and Luna. Bellatrix has a place in my heart because she's evil. Not like the cruel, plan to take over the world evil, oh no that's too simple. No, she's the laughs sadistically as she blows shit up kind of evil. I mean, it's these characters that make me smile. My reason for doing so is because they make evil look fun because they enjoy it so much. Plus the actress who played this part mastered the character as she truly looks like what the character was meant to be. My next favorite character is Luna for similar reasons. I'm not saying that Luna's evil, she's just crazy. I mean, can you really say if you saw a girl like her walking by doing something Luna would do you wouldn't chuckle away at how crazy she is? The worst part is she isn't crazy, she's right! Also again I love the actress that plays her because she delivers all of her lines so melancholy. It's like nothing she does bothers her or makes her feel uncomfortable, so why should you be awkward?

The romance was also fun in this movie. However it did seem to focus on the romance too much which made me wonder if anyone was going to propose. Again one of the major romances focused on in the movie was Hermione and Ron and how Ron gets an overly obsessed girlfriend which makes Hermione all emotional. Wow if only she had the balls to just tell Ron that she was into him while she was staying at his house. That would have hit things off smoothly. Also in the movie Harry Potter wants in on the romance as well as he suddenly has his eyes on Ron's sister Jenny. Now wait a minute! Wasn't Harry after that Asian chick in the last two movies when did he change to gingers? Oh well I guess the movie figured that we either wouldn't notice or care as it keeps forcing into our minds that Harry likes Jen and after a while I just gave up. Anyways the romance was nice however I can't help but think that it was meant to counter the ever rising population of obsessed teenage girls who love Twilight because of its romance. But I digress, I'll tackle that abomination another time.

Alright now let's talk about Albus Dumbledore. As we all know, Dumbledore dies in this movie. Didn't know it, ha I spoiled something now live your lives in fear! Anyways as I was saying due to the dying of one of Harry Potter's famous and most powerful characters, there were a lot of scenes including him. Now these are the scenes in which make the movie awesome. The reason being that Albus is awesome. I mean, this guy was spectacular. He's so kind that young kids could think of him as Santa Claus and in many ways he actually was. He always showed kindness and love to all of his students, had great respect on both sides, and even had a bit of fun in him. Not to mention that he was in fact the most powerful wizard ever alive. Now when Dumbledore died, it was heart breaking. Although I didn't cry, I wanted to. This was one of my most prized characters and one of my favorite childhood friends. Now, he's one with the planet. Rest in peace good sir, rest in peace. Also the scene where all the wizards raise their wands and cast Lumos was also very heart warming. Finally my favorite thing about Dumbledore is that he had a pheonix called Fox that flew away into the morning sun. That was a beautiful image.

Now it's time for me to end this review. Overall, I seriously enjoyed it. Although I mentioned a lot of things that I didn't like, frankly there were a lot of things I liked as well. The acting was perfect, the effects were amazing, and the story line made sense. Over all I'm giving this movie a four out of five. Again this may be because of my biased feelings and of the fact it's going to be Micheal Gambon's last performance, in reality I don't think so. To me, this movie was meant to be the lead up to the seventh and final chapter and it did that well. It didn't try to be it's own story like the other movies because it wasn't supposed to. And like I said it's still not as good as the fourth one, at least it was better then the fifth. This has been a Sand Witch Review, and until next time, your time is out.

Sand Witch Review - Public Enemy

Welcome to the Sand Witch Review. I'm Mattysandwich and here's my review. Alright I'm sorry I haven't updated this in quite a while. The truth of the matter is that I was in Great Lakes, Il visiting my brother who is stationed at the Navy Base there. You see he had a free weekend so my family and I went to visit him. We wanted to do whatever he wanted to do since we love him so much. Unfortunately one of the things that he wanted to do was see the new movie Public Enemy.

Now all those who don't know what Public Enemy is about, you clearly have not seen any movies recently. This movie has been in almost every movie trailer that would show it and to be honest, it never really impressed me. I tend not to like movies based on actual people in real life because most of the time I do not it's interesting enough. Mostly because when you break it down, real life situations are really hard to find. Mostly because people don't like them. People tend to like situations where it's believable, action gripping, and ultimately epic. Movies based on real life circumstances tend to be too real which throw people off of it. But don't listen to my biased opinion. Instead, listen to my biased review.

Alright now the movie starts off with a Jail break. This is the first mistake of the movie, you never start off with a really cool or creative scene unless you are ready to top it. And since I saw one of the scenes later I can safely say that the scene I saw wasn't going to top it so why start off with a prison break? You see this is what I meant where actual situations conflict with believable situations. In a believable situation you'll have the character have only one jail break and it'll be much later to have a significant dramatic point in the movie. However since in real life I guess they started off with a jail break they just figured to start it off there as well because it's supposedly packed with drama and action.

Oh man now I mentioned the action scenes. I really didn't want to do this till later so that I could control that hatred for just a bit longer. Oh well, I mentioned it so now here I go they sucked! I don't use that phrase lightly either they were dull. For one thing it was just a bunch of shooting. If I wanted more genetic shooting, I would have played a FPS and saved the twenty bucks. Second of all, there's no music in the background of any of the action scenes. Do you have any idea how boring a movie's action scene is without any sound? Very! There was actually a scene when the main character was breaking out of jail again and I was playing 'he's a pirate' from pirate of the Caribbean to make the action scene actually somewhat enjoyable. That's another wart I'm going to poke at while I'm commenting on the action scenes. During the course of the movie the main character gets sent to jail where he then wit fully escapes the prison walls. Wow this was almost as impressive as the first time he escaped prison! I mean, come on! You can't show us the same adventure scene as you did already, it gets boring. I swear to you I was biting my tongue so that way I didn't yell at the movie right in front of my brother.

Alright now it's time to talk about the drama and story line. It's too damn obvious! This is another situation where I want to bring up the difference between believable and actually happening. When you have a movie that's believable, they'll often do what you don't expect so that way it makes the story more compelling. However with this movie, everything was spelled out. It was so blankly obvious there was one moment where just in my head I was just saying how stupid it would be if he told the girl about his true identity when he just met her and then I thought "Oh god he's going to do it." Sure enough next scene he's spilling all of his secrets. I swear to God if I had a heavy enough object with me at that moment I would have hit myself in the head so that way I could knock myself out. Also, it was boring. Since you could predict everything nothing was compelling. Bad guys chases him, good guy runs faster. Bad guy captures him, good guy escape. I swear to you just play a game of cops and robbers with a three year old and you'll get the same amount of story line as you get in this movie.

Another thing that I'm going to rant about is how long this movie is. This movie was two hours twenty three minutes. That's two hours way too long. I mean, when you predict the next dramatic scene and the action scenes aren't grasping your attention, what's there to watch? I mean, think about all the other things I could have been doing during those two and a half hours. I could have been developing a cure for cancer, capturing a shiny pokemon, or just doing illicit drugs. Any one of those options I would have preferred then seeing this movie, preferably catching a shiny pokemon.

Alright now I'm going to say the one thing I will actually call good, the acting. I mean, what do you expect when you have Johnny Depp and Christian Bale? Both of these people played the people that they were expected to be. To be honest, this was the only thing that I was shooting for in the movie. I mean, Christian Bale made a great Batman (despite the voice,) and Johnny Depp is the only person alive who can successfully pull off a good 'Captain' Jack Sparrow (at least in the first movie when Pirates of the Caribbean was still good.) The only problem is that both of these famous actors were stuck playing in an overly annoying predictable movie.

Overall I'm giving this movie a one out of five. It was dull and nothing about kept me on my seat. While admittedly my opinion is biased due my own beliefs and prejudices, that's the reason why it's my review and my opinion. My advice is don't see it and when other people tell you they're going to see it steal their wallots. That way not only do you stop them from seeing an awful movie, you also get a wallot full of cash. Alright getting off now. This has been the Sand Witch Review and until next time, your time is up.